Friday, August 1
What a week, dealing with stupid people, coping with homework, trying to make time for piano practice, squeezing in for PW meetings... What a whole lot of crap I am doing now. Took me this week travelling alone on bus thinking to figure out that life's pretty cruel sometimes. No, I am not whining about how little breaks I have, nor am I gonna scream that my life sucks right now. I think it's just what life's putting me through that's somewhat unnerving.
You know, watching TV dramas and everything, you wouldn't expect things that are shown would be things that are happening to you rite? I don't know, but I remember my childhood days and watching soaps, and seeing people divorcing, leaving their children fatherless or motherless. Then I thought, nah, can't possibly happen to me. Wrong. Out of so many people that I've met, I only see Kareen’s and my case, and I especially empathise with her.
It's been seventeen long years on earth, and almost fifteen of them were spent without my dad. I can't remember being with my dad when I was young, but I knew we had a very special connection. I see my dad only once a year, but I am not awkward with him. In fact, I have more of an affection for him than I do for my mum unknowingly, that's something that I've just realised last year during my stay with Yixin and Ven. Probably this had to do with genes, and character. Inherited a lot of genes from my dad. I guess things would turn out very differently had my mom be in his place.
I guess not many people know my dad's separated from my mom. Not that I bother explaining anyway, but these things just can't be explained in a few words, so I just shrugged off the subject saying my dad's just working there. The fact is he didn't want to come back. Maybe I am putting him in very bad light, but he's definitely not irresponsible. My mom was partly to blame too. I think if I were my dad, I'd probably have left too. Maybe. Maybe not. I don't know. All I know was that my parents are separated, and it'll never change for the better.
When I was young, I didn't think my dad wasn't coming back. I just assumed he's taking a break back in his hometown. The break didn't end though, and I was too small to understand what was happening. All I know was that I was always ferried back and forth on plane to spend time with either parent, but not both at the same time. I used to glorify my plane experiences, to cover up the not-so-glorifying fact that my parents are not together, though I still assume my parents would meet back someday.
The fact just didn't hit me until I was older, when I became more mature to know of such things, when my parents finally took a chance to explain to me how they feel towards each other. I didn't cry, didn't sulk, just accepted my fate. I mean, what can I do anyway? Can't just pull them back. I finally realised why I always had to travel on my own. Well. Not that I mind travelling on my own, it's a new experience and I think I feel more at ease that way, because I don't have to be sandwiched between my parents.
That's one major disaster life's put me through, but I guess if life puts you in that situation, life will bring you through that situation. I think I am not very affected (outwardly) by it, but of course I feel the pain sometimes when I miss my dad, I try not to think about it anyway. It's just being optimistic. Everyone has the will to be optimistic, it's just whether you want to be or not. Perhaps it's just another lesson for me to learn to deal with my present situation, having the more than partial loss of a close family. Very close.
Posted by Isabelle at 10:54 pm